(Note: I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands.)

My Dear Wormwood,

I note that you seem to bear the unmistakable marks of a sort of glee – if infernal beings can be said to express such. I would caution you – no matter how mistakenly adamant they are – no matter how infernal they become – they are all still, sadly, redeemable. Kindly refrain from such activity in the future. It mirrors too closely the “joy” with which the Enemy welcomes these creatures into His supposed “rest”. It makes me cringe just to think about it.

I did, in fact, read the message the human wrote. It is, in many respects, quite worthy of many who walk the hallowed halls of Our Father Below. However, I once again remind you; they are changeable creatures, and given to the loathsome activity called “repentance”. This letter grows more distasteful, the more I write. However, your instruction results in my appetite being assuaged – so I shall overcome my natural repugnance of discussing the Enemy’s ways and strategies. You do well to assume this creature is well on his way to Our Father’s House. It is a thrilling feeling, is it not? To watch some sniveling mortal scamper his way to his own demise, with not a thought to his eternal state. It is almost too easy, with some of them. There is the delectable crunch of “moral authority”, of “outraged sensibilities”, and “repugnance for the restriction of natural freedom” just wafting off the pages of this exquisite missive. It is truly a masterpiece of self-deceit and ambiguous outrage against he knows not what. I can almost taste this one. Let me do you a small favor, my dear, most esteemed Wormwood, and describe the sensations emanating in waves from it, so that you may get a full picture of the depths he has fallen – and how much you have to lose, if you manage to lose this one.

Joe I think you you misunderstand; I’m glad you’re ruining the reputation of your faith. I’m happy you working hard to prevent anyone from saving it. Just as I’m glad Osama bin Laden is ruining the rep of his faith. There’s no way anyone from outside your cult could have managed to screw it up like those inside can. My hope is that both the Neo-Islamic and Neo-Christian violent extremists continue to screw it up.

I love his use of rhetoric and comparison! He not only vilifies the Enemy, and his slavering minions as the real “Enemy” – he manages to work in a half dozen negatively connotative words to describe the Enemy’s forces! Not only that, he lumps the Islamics (and, let me tell you – they are one of Our Father’s greatest achievements!) along with the Christians – while simultaneously implying that violence and Christianity are one and the same! Truly a masterwork, my dear Wormwood. In the opening sentence, he establishes his thesis – and instead of attempting to prove it – he simply attacks, and attacks! (As I have told you before – arguments will never win souls for Our Father. The trouble about argument is that it moves the struggle onto the Enemy’s ground.)

This is a worldwide struggle against the forces of ignorance and superstition Vs those of reason and rationality. You’re doing your part to insure low recruitment in the industrialized world for Neo-Christianity, and Al Qaeda is doing the same for violent Islamic fanaticism. By acting the way your both are, you’re helping the rest of humanity see you for the immoral violent fanatics you all are. And being an atheist, I see that as a good thing. (Throwing in a Gay Military Hooker working for you at the White House was beyond my wildest hopes!)

Ah, I see here that he is trotting out several of our finest works, all in succession. You truly have done great things. He frames the question as a battle (which, of course, we have made “acceptable, if you are fighting against the Enemy – but not if you are fighting for Him. Another great advance by our philologists!), while simultaneously frames the enemy as “superstitious”, “ignorant”, and throws in the egregious “violent”, in application to what he is comparing our Enemy’s forces to. Brilliant! He then throws in the blanket “immoral”, drops the hammer with “fanatics” (a wonderful word, “fanatic!), and then brings in some temporal failing to “prove” the immorality of a political leader affiliated with them! No worry that he disagrees with whether what this person did was immoral – as long as the people which he is being appellative considers it so! Of course, if challenged, he will respond only that he was pointing out hypocrisy. Such is the nature of our game.

When you signed off on torture and death (And by ‘you’ I mean both Islamicists and Neo-Christians) and the whole violent religious kick, you lost any and all claims to morality. You’re done, in the eyes of the world. Finished. And I can now honestly say that my atheist subjective quirky morality far outstrips the horrid set of ethics the Islamo-Christian fanatics demonstrate everytime they open their mouths.

Ah, such a wonderfully delightful outrage! What makes it better still is that he doesn’t know what exactly he is outraged against! He claims that Islam and Christianity are equivalent – yet makes no equivalence apparent. From there, he makes the leap from “since I have said you lost all moral claims” to “thus, you have no claim to morality”. Infernal! Do you see what fruits our patient work in the “subjectivism” field have brought? There is no “ethics” – there is “a” set of ethics! Not only that – he doesn’t even mention which supposed ethics are the horrid ones! General, unprovable claims are the best. Our “natural selection” efforts have prove this quite effectively, have they not?

When evil rears its ugly head, you’re either with it or against it. And until you renounce that association with violence, you’re with it. So I’m glad you did it, because now I can handily dispel any illusions you may have once had about being ‘more moral’ than the next guy. I’m glad because now I revel in my vastly superior set of ethics while your own faith gets dragged into the gutter of bloodshed and violence. Anytime one of you brings up morality, all we need do is mention Alebrto Gonzales and the moral argument is over, and I win.

Ah, such a wonderfully convoluted thought process he has! With no inconvenient definition for evil – just a fuzzy, ill-defined label which brings all of the connotations, with none of the specific side-effects, like guilt, he removes any way to argue specifically against him. By couching everything in amorphous terms, he can attain heights of authority inconsistent with fact. By continually hammering home the fact that “moral” consists of “being more moral then the next guy” (completely contrary to any sort of Enemy standards), he can totally redefine the argument to his own wishes. He can also “revel” – because he has destroyed absolute – and can determine whatever standard of “morality” anyone has – and always have his own reign supreme. He is the only judge of it, after all. (Ah, the taste will be exquisite. “Righteous Indignation” – sauteed in the juice of “unalloyed gall”. Delectable. But I digress.)

American Evangelical Neo-Christianity and violent Islamis Fascism is so now percieved as so foul, so immoral, so distasteful to the civilized world, that you’ve helped end religion’s hold over humanity down the road by poisoning the well. I duobt you can crawl out of that pit in the eyes of the world at this point any time soon, no matter what good deeds you do.

Aha! He not only fails to give any specifics of this so-called immorality, which might be refuted – he doesn’t even bother to even obliquely refer to them! He simply states that the Enemy’s forces are (once again) equivalent to the Islamic branch of our farming operations! Irony can be infernal. Not even we, if we were so inclined, could think the irony here is funny. It’s just… too infernal. He uses emotionally connotative words, yet again – which only reinforce the illogic, and irresistibility of the non-argument, to the easily swayed. A work of ugliness, most definitely – and I am a connoisseur. He then totally dismisses any concept of good – in his quest for “smoking out evil”! Ah, it is so… refreshing (do I dare use that word?) to see the log removal services getting so little business these days. Don’t you agree?

And that’s wonderful for mankind! The funniest thing is … all the world’s religious nutcases are so engrossed in their thirst for blood, violence, and hatred, I can openly crow over their lack of ethics and make hold them up to ridicule like I’m doing now … with no chance of you stopping or even taking me seriously! Hehe, it’s pretty cool! Ultimately, religious revival is always its own worst enemy, becuase it always goes too far and sickens decent people in the end.

This is so excessive, that I would be proud of it. It is a simple roll in the muck – with an attempt to call itself clean. Truly masterful. There is no attempt to hide the blatant illogic, the rampant misdirections, the hateful relish with which he spews his vileness in their direction – and he makes it all seem as if it is virtue! It is almost too much – he states that revival – the worst possible outcome – is sickening – to… wait… can it be? Decent people! This whimpering mortal is magnificently caught. He truly believes his own lies – to the extent where his white is black, and his black is truly white – in his own mind! He really believes this drivel! If I weren’t such a pragmatist, I would disbelieve that you had effected such a metamorphosis. It seems you have done it, however. My palate will salute you.

So, while the christian and Islamic crazies might not like what they’re producing in the long run … they can be counted on to never stop. And I’m enjoying it immenesly with every life you take, with every person you torture, with every moral code your demolish, with every child your surrogates rape. Please, for Odin’s sake, Osama, Tim Lahoye, Pat Robertson, Ameyn Zarawori: DO NOT STOP! Keep it up! The Rapture will be coming any day now! [EG].

For the final relish: He enjoys what he cannot understand – because he no longer has any conception of what the difference is between right and wrong anymore. Which have you inculcated, Wormwood? “Tolerance” as the highest “good”, or “personal freedom”? We may have to question you further, to ascertain the answer – if you succeed in keeping this one in your clutches. He is currently in a veritable pinnacle of moral equivalence – but you must ensure it lasts. If you lose this one – I will be unimaginably hungry. I may eat you instead.

Your affectionate Uncle,


If you like this one… let me know. I may do more. Let me know if I can improve on them at all, and in what way. (It is HARD to write without using any “good” descriptives. I need to bone up on Screwtape a bit.)

~ RK